The Puzzle Within Read online

  Where weird is beautiful…

  A Novella

  Aleisha Maree

  To all who have struggled may you be inspired to be who you are.

  ~ Aleisha Maree

  To you all whom believe in me. To you all that take a chance on me. To you all that push me. To you all who inspire me to be well me.

  Thank you.

  Susan you inspire me daily without you I would have drowned.

  Thank you for loving me.

  Falling Skies

  https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1jInEnOjmUUIvI9LSI3ETY?si=bPiIMCeDTxuyP3ZEHmYXRw

  11 Minutes (with Halsey feat. Travis Barker) – YUNGBLUD, Halsey, Travis Barker

  Him & I – G-Eazy, Halsey

  Bad Things (with Camila Cabello) – Machine Gun Kelly, Camila Cabello

  Kream (feat. Tyga) – Iggy Azalea, Tyga

  Good For You – Selena Gomez, A$AP Rocky

  Falling Skies (feat. Charlotte Lawrence) – YUNGBLUD, Charlotte Lawrence

  Dusk Till Dawn - Radio Edit – ZAYN, Sia

  PILLOWTALK – ZAYN

  I Don’t Wanna Live Forever (Fifty Shades Darker) – ZAYN, Taylor Swift

  Insomnia – ZAYN

  Fingers – ZAYN

  Too Much (feat. Timbaland) – ZAYN, Timbaland

  Talk To Me – ZAYN

  90 Days (feat. Wrabel) – P!nk, Wrabel

  Love Me Anyway (feat. Chris Stapleton) – P!nk, Chris Stapleton

  Barbies – P!nk

  Glitter In the Air – P!nk

  Vessel – Devilskin

  Come As You Are – Nirvana

  Pluto – Chetta

  Drag Em to Hell (Freestyle) – Chetta

  Waste Love (feat. Madison Love) – Machine Gun Kelly, Madison Love

  River – Bishop Briggs

  I Think I'm OKAY (with YUNGBLUD & Travis Barker) – Machine Gun Kelly, YUNGBLUD, Travis Barker

  Into The Fire – Asking Alexandria

  Prologue

  How to save your heart:

  You should

  Never expect

  Never demand

  Never assume

  2 ) Know

  Your limits

  Where you stand

  Your Potential

  3 ) Don't

  Get affected

  Get jealous

  Care what others are doing

  4 ) Always

  Go with the flow

  Be happy

  Love

  Smile

  live

  Four steps to change your life.

  1 ) Stop complaining and appreciate how lucky you are each day

  2 ) Embrace loneliness and reinvent yourself in the process

  3 ) Say goodbye to people that don't bring positive energy into your space

  4 ) Commit to goals you have set, push and never look back.

  Mantra: Be you. Be beautiful. Embrace the rainbow. Weird is beautiful.

  Girls who have more guy friends than girl friends go through less depression and anxiety. Did you know I’d like to have just one friend!

  Hello, my name is Lucy Thorn, and I am 17 and have Asperger's syndrome and Tourette’s. OMG right? What a combo. People judge me, and laugh, they stare, and they don’t understand. And that's okay because I am me and that's all I can be. I would love to share my silly way of thinking and my insane tics or have someone to help with my anxious behavior. To have a friend to tell secrets to or to even laugh with.

  But that won't happen. I have been to six schools in my lifetime. We move a bit, my dads a farmer, so there’s always that small issue with friends and you moving away if you were a normal teen, but me? No, I'm not normal, to your standards anyway.

  Today I am starting at a new school in a new town, a new farm, and a new start, so my parents say. My twin is stoked for the new stuff; girls, mates, sports teams and just general boy stuff. He's normal. He doesn't have Asperger’s or Tourette’s. My dad says I got all the brains and special sauce and Luca, well he got all the douche. I laugh each time Dad says that when I'm crying after another lonely day.

  Kissing is one of the most sensual things you can do…. I YouTube so much shit. Pinterest is my best friend and I live on Instagram and Tick Tock. All I want is to be like them… Have that… I find myself obsessed with lips…

  I would love to be kissed.

  These are little notes that I write all about the things I want to do, experience, smell, touch, love and feel. I fold them into small paper origami envelopes, or little animals and flowers, placing them inside a shoe box that I keep under my bed.

  One day they all will be opened and ticked.

  Like holding hands with a boy… Wanting to be needed by a boy….

  Being in love….

  Not being Lucy the weird girl…. Dad always says weird is beautiful. Well I don’t feel it.

  The bus ride is freaking insane and loud. Shaking and ticing uncontrollably as they all stare and snicker at me. Luca is so off it; I can see it in his eyes, and the rigid demur of his body as he sits with tic girl. My fingers link around his, squeezing mid tic.

  “I’m sorry fucking batshit chicken noodle.” His eyes find mine as we pull up to school. “It’s okay, sis. I get it.” He pulls his hand from mine and walks off the bus. He’s pissed off. I see it in his eyes and the way his jaw is clenched.

  Great, good job, Lucy, embarrassing your twin brother.

  If I thought the bus ride in was manic, that had nothing on stepping inside the school. People. So many people and so much noise. I quickly scurried and found my class, slinking in quietly, as quietly as my tics would allow, skinning down into the chair and desk right at the back. I had become so good at hiding; going un-noticed. Well that was until the tics broke free from my body and caused eyes to stare, lips to murmur and laughter to begin.

  Taking in a deep breath I willed my body to not do it. Opening them as I sensed movement, my eyes scanned the chair next to me. A boy, a rather hot and edgy looking boy, sat down next to me. He gave me a head lift. “Sup. You new?” he asked me. Leaning over slightly looking at my book on my desk laid neatly with my pen across the top. OCD overload. OCD heaven.

  “Yup, definitely new.” Smiling at me as I search his features, and all I wanna do is reach out and touch his face.

  “Fucking-sexy-mother-fucker-let-me-lick-you.”

  OMG, my cheeks redden as my heart jumps inside my chest. Embarrassment washes over me and I don’t know why. It’s not like I haven’t been living with tics, well, since forever.

  He laughs. Leaning over, his fingers brush my hot cheek.

  “Fucking-big-dick-baby,” I tic out. Fuck! Slapping my hand over my mouth as all the class turns and looks at me. Laughter erupts as the hot boy stares at me, a grin splitting over his face.

  “Righteous, babe,” he replies, winking at me.

  “All you guys turn around and shut up,” he spits out.

  “Fucking-dick-bag-chicken-pie.” He starts to laugh with them then and at that moment they all mesh together. I just can’t handle the overload of sensory and bolt for it, running from the classroom and out into the corridor, seeking the seclusion of a nook between the lockers and the music room.

  Deep breaths in and out. Keep going. This is not how we are starting this day at the new school by swearing and tic name calling people. Let’s get our shit together here. In and out. I repeat this over and over till my chest feels less tight and the dizziness rushing through my head seems to slow. But the tics, oh the tics. Yep, they don’t stop. That’s the thing I have come to learn, the more I try to suppress them the worse they are.

  Trying to shake off this stupid, wasted emotion that is
an embarrassment, I hear voices. I quickly pull my iPod out of my jumper pocket, flicking through the songs. I need to calm down and I need to breathe. Music chills the tics. When I listen and when I sing I don’t tic funny.

  My finger hovers over the play button, but before I can put the earbuds in, I hear girl’s voices.

  “God did you see the new freak?” one says.

  “Oh, hell. Hard to miss her, wasn’t it? Or hear her I should say.”

  Tears prick at the back of my eyes. I know they all talk about me behind my back but hearing them do it is a different story. I slip into the music room, sliding down the wall, pulling my knees up and resting my head on them. I push play on Barbies from P!nk. This woman and her depth of wisdom has a unique way of healing me through the husky tone of her voice. My heart stops beating for a few split, yet equally terrifying, moments as the boy from class sinks down next to me, pulling up his knees. His cheek resting on his knee, he looks at me square in the eye. My body begins to tic silently as my arms and legs twitch. He just stares at me. Taking the ear bud from my right ear and placing it into his, he starts to hum, that soon moves to singing. I watch him with amazement and just plain curiosity, but soon I feel his calming effect on me. He stands up and semi leans. As the cord still attaches us together his hand reaches out for me. I look at it for a few moments and then at him. He just nods his head to the left slightly. My body is in full silent panic mode, but my brain is like whoa boy. Boy wanting me to take his hand. Help. Be here, take it. So, I swallow the fear and take this mysterious boy’s hand. It’s warm, safe. It feels soft, yet strong, and I like it. He pulls me into him as P!nk’s Glitter starts to flow through the airwaves into our ears. He just pulls me in and dances. Singing away as I do the same, closing my eyes and just feeling every one of these precious moments.

  His blinding smile hits me as his top lip twitches listening to me sing. He steps away from me and drops the ear bud from his ear, letting it fall between us. His copper eyes sear into mine as I allow the music to ripple through me. “Wow, babe. You can sing, like really sing.” Blushing as my eyes fall to the floor, fanning my bangs down over my eyes allowing them to meet his under the heavy curtain of my thick, black lashes. He steps to the side of the room picking up a guitar and he begins to play. His fingers move over the strings like they are meant to be. The sound sets my soul alight. “Music is my escape too, babe. I get it,” he says as he strums away. “You know this song?” he asks, looking at me.

  As I step closer, not too close, but closer, I reply, “Devil Skin Vessel. Who doesn’t?”

  A smile breaks over his face. “Bad ass, aren’t they?”

  “Hell, yes. And the best thing is that they came out of this town for sure,” I say back to him. Hamilton is where Devil Skin is from. They started in a shed in Huntly first, the almighty Waikato.

  “Wanna sing with me?”

  Terror ripples through me and I have no clue why; I was just singing with him, so what’s the problem? “Suuurrreee, asshat,” I tic out. Fuck! My hand flies to my face covering my mouth as he laughs. “OMG, I am. I am fucking-hell-dick-bag-McGee. Sorry. Shit. So sorry…” Ticing again as my body starts to jolt with body tics as well. Great. How much more embarrassing could I get right now?

  “Fuck, babe, don’t be sorry, aye. I know it’s hard, and fitting in when you’re different is a bitch.” Winking at me, he kicks over the chair in front of him and I just look at him smiling. I sit down across from him and sing, tic free. His copper eyes burn into my green and we just jam out for what feels like hours. He stays sitting. He listens and sees me for me, tics and all. He pulls me in and doesn’t find a reason to run away from the weird girl.

  Walking into school the next day I’m a little scared and anxious, like a shit ton of anxious, of the girls that laughed at me and were just nasty yesterday.

  They saw me and Colton walk from the music room together and gave me more than a death stare. Like if looks could kill, I would be ten-feet under. Colton reminded me that they are just stuck up jelly skanks. I have come to find out since that the top bitch of that girl squad is a chick called Larissa. The girl who sat next to me on the bus on the way home and now to school referred to her as this and informed me that she has a massive crush on Colton. Her name is Tenley and she said that he is rock god royalty of Deep Creek High, where the elite live and royalty is sought after.

  “I am a geek though, and I have next to no chance of fitting in,” I said to her via a few annoying sluts, bitch meow, kiss, kiss tics. “Like, look at all of you and look at me,” I say running my hand from me to her and the bus full of elite looking barbie and ken dolls.

  Her answer was, “Babes, Colton, like Colton King took off from class after you. Sat with you like for two periods. That bitch is fuming. No one, and I mean no one, gets close to Colton. Let alone in a room with him. He doesn’t even bat an eyelid at anyone here. Hasn’t for like ever. Colton King is a lost music god who just loses himself in his sound. That boy club, I’ll let you know, is so deep and dark that no one even knows what they do, but they all want in.” The look of seriousness in her eyes had me thinking, fuck, what have I gotten into?

  The bus pulls up at the front gates of Deep Creek High. My stomach turns, my hands begin to sweat, and my tics take over. You can see the boys right off. They command attention and scream importance as they hang around a matte black GTO Judge.

  I know my cars, okay. So right away I knew that, and that car was hot.

  Its owner would have to be even hotter to be driving such a beast of a car. I’m also right on that one, too. Colton slides off the hood dressed in a black hoodie, black skinny ass jeans with cherry red boots on his feet. His baseball cap is on backward and the group is all eyeballing in the bus’s direction as I step off with Tenley’s hand linked in mine.

  “Sister, breathe,” she whispers into my ear as the stones crunch under my feet. As he gets closer to me, I can smell him and feel his calming presence. I can also see them all staring at me and heckling him.

  “Sup, strange one?” His tone is cool, oozing sex appeal. I researched that last night. Google and I are friends.

  “Hey, jackoff-cool-guy.” Fuck my tics. Tenley giggles beside me.

  “Hello, Tenley,” Colton says to her. I look at my new friend and her cheeks blush. Yep, he’s hot I know.

  “Um, Hey, Colton,” she says, her voice a little jumpy.

  “Huh, funny-fuck-ball-Tenley-ha-Colton-hot-sex-god.” Slamming my hand over my mouth, my body tics. My head jolts and I feel the heat creep up my neck and plaster over my face. I can’t believe I did that. Looking anywhere but Tenley and Colton I hear their laughter.

  “It’s okay, hon. You’re unique,” Tenley says as Colton’s arm wraps around my shoulder pulling me in tight. The body tics really kick into overdrive, and he tries to hold me close to stop them from attacking my tiny body. They are so tiring, so fast, and so exhausting.

  “You Good, babe?” he says, looking at me. All I do is nod slightly as my body jolts.

  We walk like that; close, so close that all I can do is breathe in all his man smells, cologne and just pure sensual yumminess that is, as they call him, the King.

  Walking past our first class, I look at him and he smiles. “Music, baby. We are going to make some music.” He winks at me and my body melts. As it does; the ticing has kicked into hyper drive. I twitch, kick out, slap his chest and slap my thigh. Hell, this is just great.

  “Lucy, babe, breathe. Okay? Don’t overthink and just breathe. Don’t hold your tics in around me.” His voice is soothing and the eyes from the girl squad burn into me.

  My head twitches as does my mouth, “Jelly-skanks-bitch-squad-top-dog-whore-oink,-oink.”

  Colton laughs out as we walk past them, their cheeks going red.

  “Yeah, what she said,” he says pushing the music room door open, letting me walk ahead of him into the room. It’s warm with the sun shining in bright shards through the barred wind
ows. Little dust motes dance through the air in front of me. I spin around in circles, not even thinking, my hands outstretched trying to catch the tiny motes between my fingers. Colton begins to play a song on his guitar, and I just move to the music, allowing it to take me away. I don’t tic, I don’t shudder. My body doesn’t thrash when I am around music. When I sing my voice shocks me, tic free. It’s quite stunning. My mother and father cry every time I sing as they see the daughter they dreamt of while I was in her womb. Then I was born and plagued with all this extra quirky crap. Uncontrollable tics and body movements. They are all involuntary, I may add.

  “You wish you didn’t tic?” Colton’s voice pulls me from my daze.

  “Some days,” I say, shrugging as I watch him play the guitar, the way his fingers move over the strings.

  “I play to also escape,” he says. I pull myself down to the floor in front of him. He makes me scared, sexy type nervous, and my body tics are fierce. I don’t wanna fall off the chair in front of him in case one hits my soul.

  “From?” I ask. I wanna know all I can about this man, this alluring boy who seems interested in me.

  “From expectation to be more,” he says. He stands, leans down and kisses the top of my head. Wildfire shoots though me. Wow, his hands rest on my shoulders as he just breathes me in, and I allow him to. Don’t tic, Lucy, I beg my body, holding on tight. “You don’t hide though, babe, and I like that,” he says.